What are pronouns?
Pronouns are simply the short words we use to talk about someone—words like “she,” “he,” or “they.” They are not magic mirrors that show who you “really” are; they are just handy placeholders so we do not have to repeat a person’s name over and over.

Feeling boxed-in by “she” or “he”
Many detransitioned women say they once felt both sets of pronouns were wrong. “Both pronouns feel wrong,” one woman wrote, “like wearing shoes on the wrong feet.” After months of distress, she noticed the ache came not from the words themselves but from the belief that the words had to describe her soul. When she let that belief go, the sting faded.

The exhaustion of policing words
Several people describe reaching a point where they were simply tired. “I just literally can’t even care anymore,” said MadxWolf212, whose family now calls her “chicky” and “money man” in the same breath. After transition and detransition, the constant worry about what others say felt like running in circles. Rest came when she stopped trying to control every syllable and allowed herself to “just be.”

“They” can feel like a spotlight, not a shelter
Some report that well-meaning friends used “they” to stay safe, yet it still felt awkward. “She doesn’t do it with our other coworkers,” pipermaru84 noticed, realizing the neutral pronoun marked her as “different.” The word meant to free them became another box—this one labeled “unsure.”

Letting labels go
MythicalDawn, who tried “she,” then “he,” then “she” again, now says, “They are just words… forcing people to conform to the pronouns you choose isn’t freedom; it’s another binding.” She keeps the pronouns she was given at birth because they fit, but she no longer flinches if someone slips. The relief came when identity stopped depending on anyone’s mouth but her own.

A quiet path forward
If every option feels wrong, try stepping back from the menu altogether. Focus on small, real things that bring calm—walking, drawing, talking with a friend who sees you before any label. Pronouns are only grammar; your worth is not tucked inside a three-letter word. Breathe, notice what feels kind, and let the words settle wherever they land. When the inner storm quiets, the right sounds—whatever they are—tend to find their own way home.